5280 Rant!

Perhaps it's been too long, but I'm back, I'm back with a vengeance. For those of you unfamiliar with 5280/Denver Restaurant Week, it's a week-long (or two weeks) celebration of local restaurants. Many of the restaurants offer a menu for $52.80 per couple. What's great about this time period is that it gets people out there enjoying some of the better restaurants in Denver. $52.80 per couple is a steal at many of these places, and you might try a restaurant that you would otherwise be hesitant to try. One could make the argument that it is like the Black Friday for restaurants, which is partially why it has been extended to two week the past couple of years. At the better restaurants in town, reservation are very hard to find. Anyways, you know how much I enjoy this time of year, read the reviews. Now it's time to rant.

Rant #1: The "Too-good-for-Restaurant-Week" Restaurant. I'm not referring to the restaurants that opt not to participate in this exciting culinary fortnight. This is for the restaurants that, for some reason, feel pressured to join in. If you're going to partake, you better bring it. Do we need to send the sassy cheerleader from Compton in Bring it On to force them to bring their A game? I'm calling out Frank Bonanno, chef/owner of Mizuna, Luca D'Italia, and Bones. These restaurants are highly rated, each of them made the top 25 in 5280's recent article. Unfortunately, he provides very weak menus at each restaurant during this week. Two main entree courses at Mizuna and Luca D'Italia and only one at Bones. All offered a very weak dessert. Really, Chef? Don't bother. I would love to try each of these places, but not with such a 'blah' menu. Give people a reason to come back outside of restaurant week.

Rant #2: The "You don't even have real chefs" Restaurant. Restaurant Week is a time where people should be trying restaurants they wouldn't normally go to, not restaurants that specialize in horrible commercials. Someone needs to serve as the Czar of Restaurant Week (Please nominate me). I would like to call each of these restaurants out by name: Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. (runs Forrest runs, I got the runs!), Carrabba's Italian Grill (mmmmm, slightly better than Olive Garden, that wasn't a compliment), Hacienda Colorado (who spends a lot of money on Mexican food? not Mexicans), Hard Rock Cafe (does that include a free t-shirt?), Lodo's Bar & Grill (I hope several buckets of beer are included), Nick-N-Willy's Take-N-Bake Pizza (really? $52.80 and I still have to make my own pizza. . . thanks), Outback Steakhouse (wow, it's called Outback, so you know where to run to throw up), P.F. Chang's China Bistro (Bistro is French, but the food is Chinese? I don't get this), Pappadeaux Seafood Kitchen (how many things stuffed inside a fish will $52.80 get me?), Pizza Republica (if pizza is in your name then you are ripping people off), Rio Grande Restaurant (go talk to Hacienda), Rock Bottom Restaurant & Brewery (show up here and you've hit Rock Bottom), Saltgrass Steakhouse (how creative, let's name it after what the cows eat and what goes on the steak), Ted's Montana Grill (thanks Ted Turner for finding a new way to rip people off!), The Dusty Boot Steakhouse & Saloon (Dusty Boot? name it after something clean if you want me to eat here), The Melting Pot (fondue? 1970 called and it wants its restaurant back), Wingin' It (if you spend $52.80 on wings, that pain in your arm means you're having a heart attack), Wynkoop Brewing Company ($52.80 gets you three courses and a ticket to their comedy club, but they'll be laughing at you, not with you).

Rant #3: Snotty waiters during 5280. I've had little experience with nasty waiters during this time, as I believe many are thankful for the great increase in business. However, I did hear one story that angered me greatly. A couple went out to the Melting Pot last year and the waiter said how he hated 5280 week due to the number of people who only tip off of the $52.80 amount. Really??!! Are you serious??!! That's how much it costs. Since when do I make up how much I think this might have cost and tip you off of that? There are no coupons or BOGO deals during 5280 week. Plus, it's the Melting Pot. People dip tiny pieces of meat in hot oil. What's the cost of materials on 2 oz of filet and 3 shrimp? $5? Please, get over yourself.

Trust me when I say that 5280 week is my favorite week of the year. I had to get that those things off my chest. Now where did I put my toast for my escargot?

Snooze Review

I really think they did a great job of naming this place. Out of all the buttons on an alarm clock, they chose the one that sounds hip. Volume or Tuner wouldn't have made sense. Keep in mind that you're going to have to wait at least 8-10 slaps of the Snooze button before you get seated. We knew this going in, so we weren't upset about having to wait 40 minutes, which was shorter than the hour they quoted us. As for the facilities available to wait in, they're not good, but name a restaurant that is enjoyable to wait at. Restaurants rarely devote any money to the waiting area. Why should they, you still have to wait. At least you aren't naked sitting on butcher paper.
We were seated at the counter and warmly greeted by the waitress/bartender. She gave us a great rundown of the menu and explained that they were really flexible in how you're food was made. If you wanted a half order, done. Small portion of a pancake, done. I appreciated the willingness to make it your way. I enjoyed a fresh squeezed orange juice while my wife had the vanilla latte. She was impressed at how flavorful it was, about as good as Starbucks. I didn't want to order pancakes, particularly because most places serve their pancakes dry and too heavy. The wife informed me that all the reviews said the pancakes were worth it. I went with the half-order of the BBQ Pork Benny and the cinnamon roll pancake (not on the menu) and the Colorado peach ginger pancake.
The BBQ Pork Benny was certainly unique and full of different flavors. I enjoyed it but wouldn't order it again. Holy crap on the pancakes. I don't know what they put in them, but the waitress compared them to crack. While I'm aware of crack's addictive nature, I've never partaken in the aforementioned substance. Let's just say that from now on, when something is so good and addictive, I'm going to say it's like a Snooze pancake. Seriously, clouds, pillows, puppies and other things soft were like the consistency of these pancakes. The flavor was out of this world.
You want to hear something negative? I had to wait 10 minutes + for my water to be refilled. While the service was friendly, it was kind of like they gushed when you were seated but didn't come back much after that. Obviously the wait sucks, but it should tell you something. You don't have to wait for something horrible. So wake up once your alarm goes off and head down to Snooze, though it might be apropos to hit snooze a couple of times and dream a little more about their pancakes.

Olivea Review

All right, negative things first. I hate trying to find parking. While there is a parking lot at Olivea, it's not too big and it's cramped. We drove around the block or larger immediate area before a spot opened up in the lot. Okay, that's the negative. Everything else was very positive. They had several cocktail concoctions on the menu, and my wife ordered the Lavender Lace. While the drink had incredible lavender flavor, it was too much like drinking a perfume. The wine list wasn't too bad. I had a Tempranillo and a Super Tuscan.
For starters, we had the special of chicken wings served over creamy polenta with a Putanesca sauce. We also had the flat bread with prosciutto and green olive and Manchego cheese. Both were excellent, though if you forced me to complain, I didn't like how the prosciutto came off after one bite. Simple, I know, but it's gets messy putting that back on. For dinner, I had the duck meatballs which also had polenta. Very different but quite good. My wife had the lamb sugo gnocchi. She compared eating the gnocchi to eating fluffy pillows. After tasting them, I couldn't argue with that comparison. It was better than much of the gnocchi we ate in Italy. Dessert was a letdown, which I believe it normally is when you're consuming trendy food. We split the sorbet which was okay but not anything exciting.
They do a great job in terms of service and food, despite our disappointment with the dessert menu. I felt it was a great value as well. Get in there soon.

Critics

I've grown fond of watching the show, "Top Chef." I started with the last season in New York, I've continued to watch the "Top Chef: Masters," and am looking forward to this upcoming season in Las Vegas. One of the things that has been more noticeable is the role of the food critics. For those unfamiliar with the show, these well-known food critics evaluate and rate the food that is prepared by the chefs. Everyone is familiar with all the other food critics who may write reviews for your local paper or even magazines.

Anyways, as I watched this show, I realized something: Critics really annoy me! I'm going to throw film critics in here as well. Sure, they serve their purpose, and one could argue that they are needed. However, I would question how much they can really relate with normal society. While there is nothing wrong with being an eloquent writer and possessing a grandiose vocabulary, one could question if that's really necessary in describing food. With "Top Chef" it seems like these writers are trying to impress viewers with how detailed they can describe food and breakout colorful synonyms for the food's consistency, but we're all wondering one thing: was the food good? Why this rant, you may ask? Here's the thing, I know good food, I'm extremely passionate about food, and I like to talk about food, but I'll never be a food critic. Why? Because I'm not a great writer (maybe not even a good writer). So why should writing Hemingway-esque reviews of restaurants matter? I don't know. Apparently, someone somewhere decided that restaurant reviews should be so colorful that no one could read the black-and-white: did you like the restaurant? Many of these critics write/speak with such arrogance about food and restaurants that you might think they were once chefs, but the profession bored them. I tend to think that they weren't quite good enough to write novels so they settled for writing about food. Film critics are exactly the same. There's no need to only give good reviews to independent movies and completely ignore big blockbusters. I don't care what a film critic thinks, I'm going to listen to people I know, not some moron who probably wears an ascot to the movie theater.

This leads me to my next point. Have you ever seen a job opening for a food critic? Before you go surfing on Monster or Craigslist, know this, you won't find anything. No one is looking for a food critic, but they should be. They should be looking for someone who doesn't attempt to impress people with words but attempts to tell the diner about the restaurant itself. What did the food taste like, how was the service, were there a bunch of people taking doggie bags out, etc.

Critics, don't try to garner some great book deal with your local reviews. Remember, you're not a chef, you can't cook as good as one, otherwise you would have a restaurant. I hate seeing chefs stutter around critics and lower their head as they receive a bad review. While reviews are necessary, critics need to get off their high horse and realize they aren't better than everyone just because they didn't have to apply for their job. It most likely fell in their lap.

Author's note: I do believe that there are some good food critics out there, not a lot, just some. I'd love to hear their opinion of the growing popularity of sites like Yelp where "regulars" can provide reviews of restaurants.

Mass Produced Service?

We've all had a bad experience at a restaurant in which we wondered if the waiter/waitress even knew we existed. Perhaps an entire meal passed without water being filled or every other table appeared to receive bread with their meal, except you or they were just flat out rude. Now we can probably account for some bad service being related to someone having a bad day or if you always encounter bad service, you might be the issue; however, there are some serious problems. My simple argument might be that the more you pay, the better service you receive. We all know that's not the case. So what's the problem?

Henry Ford is the father of the assembly line and mass production. He revolutionized the way a factory works. He made production much more efficient and larger quantities were easier to come by. Do you know where I'm going with this? This process should not be carried onto food. If you're making something for a big banquet, okay, that's fine, but at a regular restaurant, unacceptable. At least I wish it was unacceptable. We're used to efficiency and making sure that things can be done faster. Do you really want this approach at a restaurant? Do you want to be treated like a product that comes down the conveyor belt? A customer should be treated like the restaurant is happy to have their service, like the customer is doing them a favor by showing up. There's a great scene in the TV show, That 70's Show (which obviously takes place in the 1970's) where a couple go out to a restaurant (conveniently named, Blannagan's) at the advent of the salad bar. The waiter informs them that they can go up to the salad bar and choose whatever toppings they'd like. The couple is baffled and the husband asks why his wife would want to go out to a restaurant and make her own salad when she could do that at home. Why don't we question this anymore? Go get your own food? No, I go out because I don't want to make my own food. I want to feel like I'm paying for something other than groceries.

I understand that being a waiter/waitress is not an enjoyable job and not necessarily something one aspires to do. However, it's still a job that you're being paid to do. There are restaurants out there that value the customer and value service towards them. Rather than having the attitude of "You need us to eat," these places have the attitude of "We need you to eat." The obsession with big business and the bottom line every night obscures many restaurants from providing quality service and ensuring long term success and customer loyalty. Oddly enough, all restaurants thrive on the customer coming into eat there. If you think about it, do all restaurants act like the customer is their raison d'etre? No, the customer is a product that needs to be quickly shot through the line so the next product can be prepped. Try this the next time you have people over. Greet them gruffly at the door, take away their salad before they're done, serve dinner before they're ready, and keep looking at the door until they leave. See if they return.

Panzano Happy Hour Review

Okay, I have not been offered any money by Panzano's, but I'm beginning to believe I should be. I have told everyone I know about this happy hour. I first visited Panzano years ago for 5280 week and had an enjoyable experience and looked forward to going back. For whatever reason I stayed away. However, an article in the Wall St. Journal caught my eye, and it briefly mentioned Panzano's Happy Hour. After viewing their menu, I immediately decided I would be back for at least one hour of happy. Two weeks ago I went, and I was happy. So happy that I returned this past week, and we'll return next week (Wednesday, look for me). $3 beers, $3 appetizers, and $4 small plates. I had a beer, very tasty calamari, not too tough, a delicious small plate of steak, mashed potatoes and a spinach/arugula blend all for $10. The sad fact is that this is the cost of a Qdoba burrito and a drink. The quality levels aren't even close. This filled me up, not fat-style but European-style (meaning I didn't want to puke after I finished). I highly recommend their happy hour. The odds of you being disappointed are slim. If you are disappointed, you're probably difficult to please.

How We Roll

I had a couple of points of inspiration for this post. Most recently was an article in the Wall Street Journal. Famed New York restaurateur Danny Meyer discusses the dining industry and where he sees it going as a result of the economic downturn. He mentioned how he expected fewer fine-dining establishments, which makes sense, and a different view of food. This quote, in particular, concerned me: "People are thinking about how much of their time they have to spend, how much of their stomach they are going to fill and how many of their dollars they will have to part with." My problem with this quote is that I believe people (Americans) are already doing this and have been doing this for a long time. My question is should we expect it to get worse?

This leads me to my other inspiration for this post, Wal-Mart. I know you've heard me talk about it before and maybe you think that I've killed that topic; however, it needs to be brought up again. It seems like the big issue mentioned above is money and time. In the current climate, most are short on money and everyone wants more time. The important thing to note is that both can be managed, and although you can increase the amount of money you have, time is finite.

I know I've made my case quite clear on how I think one shouldn't skimp on food, and I still strongly support my stance. Perhaps if I illustrate it in a different way, one might better understand my view. Let's examine what I'll call the Quality/Cost Analysis. Think of your basic X/Y Axis. On the X axis, you have quality, on the y axis, cost. Let's assume that as cost increases, quality also increases and vice versa. America is comfortable sitting at the corner of cost and quality. We're more than willing to sacrifice quality for a cheaper price. Guess what? This is where Wal-Mart comes in (note: I am not attacking Wal-Mart, but they are easiest to use in this illustration). Has Wal-Mart programmed us to look for the best deal regardless of the quality of the product? I know many people who will stop by Wal-Mart for a couple of things but refuse to step foot in their produce section. Why? Because Wal-Mart doesn't work as hard as other grocers in ensuring the quality of their product. On the way to providing you the cheapest price, something has to be sacrificed. Think about this the next time you choose a restaurant for your birthday or some other special occasion. Save some money and go somewhere where quality is valued.

My other target is McDonald's, fast food's founding father. In McDonald's, a culture of "not enough time" has been created. Feel free to stop by for a meal that will be ready in seconds. We can look to the Quality/Cost Analysis for a similar graph of Time/Cost Analysis. As time to prepare your food increases, so should quality. If you spend more time dedicated to something, you should produce a better product (in theory). Why don't we have enough time? Where is it we have to be? What keeps us from getting out of our cars to order food? These are valuable questions to ask. What's wrong with spending 3 hours at a restaurant with enjoyable company? Isn't this why the DVR was invented? You don't have to get back home to watch your "show."

In summary, I'm not telling you to stop shopping at Wal-Mart or to avoid the drive-thru line at McDonald's, but think about it the next time you find yourself at either place or somewhere like it. Ask yourself this, what am I sacrificing here and what am I missing elsewhere? Food may be nothing more than fuel, but humans are high-performing machines and deserve the highest quality of fuel we can find.